Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
