So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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