God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
not ubering you a puppy
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize