How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
