3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My dick has a subreddit
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
