i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
