She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
