i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Drake has all the answers
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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