By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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