How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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