I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
