how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
