i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
