An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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