I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize