He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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