My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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