i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
