I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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