ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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