I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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