My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Will exercising make me less horny?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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