brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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