On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
