I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
