Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
