I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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