ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
