weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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