Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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