the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
