Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
No...this little piggys going to the bar
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
