happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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