Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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