Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
