this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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