Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
