I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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