Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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