The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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