It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
