I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
