So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
