I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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