Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
So squirting runs in the family.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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