I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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