i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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