im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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