She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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