Umm I'm too high to move.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
