Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
