If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
