Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
