The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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