Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
